oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
