And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
