The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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