It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
