Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Text me some of your sweat
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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