I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize