But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
now i know why i became what i already was.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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