Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
