I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
