theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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