I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
