A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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