Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
