During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
