i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
