We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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