their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
and she was petting her beer can
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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