Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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