But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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