I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
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While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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