OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
