I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Im part way to drunk.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
