Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
