No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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