my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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