I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
