I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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