just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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