I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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