Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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