I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
