He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
