summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
