She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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