Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
