I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
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