hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
