Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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