Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
