Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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