GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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