have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
