It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
