I'm going to jail i love you
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
