My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
