You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I need water and some morals
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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