Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
