i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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