GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
