I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
this will be a night to untag.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
