He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
