I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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