If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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