I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
