Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
