tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
