i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
