My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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