I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
